Wednesday, March 2, 2011

100% Caretaking post! No crochet!

I wanted to let you know this is all about mom. So you wouldn't have to scroll through it looking for crochet content.

On Sunday morning sister # 1 texts me and says "she is a failure of a daughter. U r awesome with all u do!"

Every time she texts me to say I'm awesome, it feels fake and like its her way of sucking up to me or so she doesn't have to feel so guilty for not coming to see mom. 

My sisters and the remaining siblings just don't get it. They think I'm spending my days just sitting here killing time and crocheting. I'm not. I am lucky if I even get to crochet for 30 minutes. My time is well spent keeping mom moving and keeping her as healthy as I can.

This morning something happened to mom and caught me off guard. Things like this don't happen often but they do happen. When it was over I sat on that bed and started writing a text to send. I would use my name and text all of it then send it to them. It was like 16 to 20 texts I wrote. But then I knew I couldn't send it because they would be offended. I don't want to start a fight. I'm tired of fighting. I quit over 10 or 12 years ago but then it didn't matter my sister always blamed me for everything wrong in her life. I just did my best to ignore it.

Here is the texts I sent myself this morning.

1. Mom in bed eating bkf. I'm on bed legs crossed sitting in front of
her coaxing her to use her spoon. She looks at pictures and
says that's billie and elbert.

2. Mom is eating and talking. She looks up at me, blank stare in her eyes 
and she does something I never expected. In this disease as it progresses certain

3. things happens. One thing is they talk nonsense, odd sounds,
each sound different, there's not a single recognizable syllable
in the pattern of sounds.

4. Blank stare in her eyes she starts to speak that way. I am frozen in time.
I can't believe what I am seeing and hearing. It lasts an eternity.
5. I still am frozen but start to scream in my head. STOP! But
she doesn't. I feel helpless and hopeless at the same time. 

6. Then she quits and I have only a heartbeat to decide if I'm going to
collaspe on the bed in grief or am I going to reach over her bkf
and hug her tightly.

7. I push away bkf table and grab my mother and hold her tightly. I can't cry 
because too many people walk by and look in room.

8. If they see me cry then I have 15 to 20 people coming to room giving me hugs. 
I have learned how to cry inside.

9. I clench my teeth together, close my mouth tightly, open my eyes wide then I 
rock back and forth and sob inside. It helps. Later
I go to bathroom and 

10. turn both facets on because they are loud and I 
release the crying in the bathroom. Often my eyes and cheeks
are red but I convinced them I wash my face.

11. This doesn't happen everyday or every week. It just sneaks up
on me.

12. When I walk in the NH everyday it doesn't make me 
awesome. It makes me a daughter keeping my promise
to my mother.

13. Standing over corries bed watching her sleep. Mom says I'm
going to get this and I'm scared. I promised to take care
of her if she did get it. We held hands

14. forever not talking just leaning on each other. Mom took it
hard when corrie was sick. She suffered and grieved outwardly for her.

15. I couldn't even understand her grief. It always puzzled me. 
Now I understand her grief and wish I hugged her more.
Sorry. It bothers me to say I'm awesome.

16. I don't feel that way. I just feel like a daughter doing the best 
I can with what I have for my mom. This is not meant to offend you.
If it does sorry. 

Well I wanted to send it. They don't know the grief I have watching my mother leave me very slowly. I guess they never will.

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